금요일, 2월 13, 2004
"... And it feels like, I'm at an all time low
Slightly bruised and broken, from our head on collision
I've never seen this side of you,
Another tragic case
Of feeling bruised and broken
From our head on collision
I've never seen this side of you
Another tragic case..."

so. another valentine's day is imminent. incidentally, it's also going to be another valentine's day which is going to run past me. faz, renu and i have set up the 'spinsters for life' club, which is the equivalent of 'sadness' in most cultures. ah well, i suppose if all else fails, friendship still prevails. when i think about spinster-ism, scenes from vennel's cafe and a complaining auntie on the blower never fail to terrorize me, not in a friday the 13th way (the flick, not the day), mind, but rather in a freaky way that manages to raise the question of "dammit, am i going to be single forever?" in various assorted fonts and sizes running incessantly through one's brain. i know all that stuff about having friends is better than being attached anytime, but still. as for being an empowered successful female in a world dominated by under-achieving, over-paid, alpha males, and not needing a guy to support us, that's all baloney. why? i realised this when my light went bust i think two nights ago. after one night of trying to find out what happened to it, and making a report to reception, to which all fell on deaf ears, i mentioned to one of my housemates about the current un-enlightenment of my existence. he literally went "right, let's see to that" and spent maybe 5 minutes fiddling around with the whole light switch configuration and voila, then there was light (again). not to say that i'm going to don an apron and start cooking for the guy, but rather it seems that some things a girl can't do by herself. yeah, maybe it's because i'm rubbish at figuring out technical things like that, but that's beside the point. what's the point here is that the schmuck about females being the weaker sex might well be right. there was a reason why there are boys and girls in this world. being all amazonian about it isn't going to solve matters, because of the fact that the male and female of the species are so inextricably entwined together (metaphysically, of course) that it's a complete fallacy to say that one can survive, if not, better, without the other.

what that doesn't mean, however, is that this whole valentine's day business actually makes any practical sense. i was walking past the flower shop today, and on normal days there are no customers to be seen within, except for the house-proud english women who like some fresh flowers for the drawing room and sometimes the random vagrant may wander in to ask for alms, i don't know. today it was bursting to the seams with the more desirable males in our small university community, some of which have been known to raise their eyebrows and wink suggestively at the popular/beautiful/vivacious/sexy/blonde (cancel where appropriate) girl students more often than for their own good. all were buying flowers as if their lives depended on it, probably for those very same pretty women who fill their every waking moment. some girls get all the luck huh? that aside, what i can't seem to rationalise is why such mass consumerism actually makes sense to people. i admit, the most i succumbed to the over-priced, unecessary holiday that is valentine's day this year was going out and spending 50p on 4 rolls of love hearts, that i cheerfully dispensed with ease to everyone who meant something to me. of course, some embarrassing ones did turn up (like the 'i want you' one that arvin got, ha ha), but that's just luck. oh, and spending 2 quid on a rose to my college dad, but that was for charity anyway. i guess love should be about showing every single day, and not just on valentine's. it's always a tad depressing, seeing that valentine's always comes mere days after my own birthday every year, and quite frankly, the red hearts, fat cherubs and flowers have gotten the better of me this year.

i actually spent precious few minutes of my time advising a guy friend of mine (attached, of course) where to get pretty flowers in durham, and where the card shops were. i couldn't believe that the guy didn't know where the card shops were, but maybe that's just me. but to me, he just represented another of the good men who have been taken by some lucky girl somewhere, and who is in love with her enough to spend money on her when this time of year rolls round, regardless of the fact that he knows that it's a totally useless holiday created by struggling florists and whoever else stands to gain by the promotion of such a holiday. tomorrow, there will be lovers in the street, love in the air and all that jazz, but really, what of it? there'll be more chance of my seeing the loch ness monster in the river wear than me really enjoying the 'holiday', if only because i don't know how. it probably wouldn't make any difference if i actually had someone to celebrate it with, because the fact remains that most of us today are trapped halfway between the world of fantasy and reality. almost every girl you see on the street would have dreamt of being swept off her feet to go live in a castle by a prince on a white horse in some point of her life, but we shake ourselves and realise that it's not ever going to happen. being trapped thus, it's really rather lonely, if anything at all. not quite domesticated child-bride, not quite emancipated independent woman. that makes you think though, maybe it was easier for people in the past. the only difference between now and then is that nowadays living is so much more complicated, and valentine's day heads the march that makes things thus, so to speak. some say that it only scores the line deeper between male and female, by brainwashing innocent little girls into thinking that they need a guy to be happy, but well, i beg to differ. sure, i have a love-hate relationship with it, but that's only because it's frustrating to ask yourself that question -- "who's my valentine?"

sappy, yeah. barf fest, definitely. but trust me, i've grown past the stage when i thought all boys had cooties. when love songs are a dime a dozen, and relationships have lost their meaning, it can be easy to ignore the fact that the root of love is good, and that it is beautiful. of course, i do sing along to love songs, and i don't always look at people with the sole purpose of falling in love with their brains, but that's what makes life lighthearted, doesn't it? when it does come to the crunch though, it does feel lonely to, quite literally, not have love in your life. to see the attached ones among us rushing around planning special things for their other halves, it makes one yearn to have someone to pour out such affection for as well. ah well, i can always dream, can't i...

this valentine's, knowing that it will be another year spent without the merest peep of a rose, i will sit at home, eat the obligatory chocolate, sing a love song to myself, and maybe feel all the better for it.