화요일, 3월 09, 2004
i'm actually feeling better now, after breathing in and out, counting to ten, that sort of thing. there is no substitute for a good laugh with good friends to get your mind off things. to be fair, there was nothing really big about the whole thing. i was just doing what tanya does best: stressing. yes, i have been guilty of stressing far, far too much. i remind me of that girl in 'uptown girls', the little one, who is 9 going on 50. that sounds worryingly like me.

this is the third time i have blogged today. what will i be doing three months down the line? i wonder sometimes. it's like most times life seems to naturally have to take some course that we follow without question, but other times, it just stops short and doesn't move forward in the way that you thought that it would go. that's when doubt and questions creep in, and you wonder: why am i doing this at all? is there any justification for all of this? that's the stage where i'm at now. i often think whether i should have taken another road somewhere in the very recent past, maybe if i had taken another option i wouldn't be where i am right now. i guess that's right, but nothing can turn back time, and for all we know, life wouldn't necessarily be happier for me if i had indeed taken those paths. at least, that's what i'd like to think, to make myself feel better about my life right now.

it has to be that gut feeling that drags you deeper as the time ticks by, where you know full well that what you hope for is not going to be yours, yet you hold on doggedly to that shred of hope, wishing that you'l get that grade/pass that exam/see that person/whatever, hoping against hope, quite literally, that you just might be able to get past the hurdles that you have to jump over in order to get what a seemingly unworthy prize. what do grades mean in the big scheme of life? what does that person have to do with the way you live your own life? well, of course you could say that the grades you get could very well determine how successful you are in the future, and the person you wish to see might well be the person you end up living your life with, but that's kinda like a side point.

all i can say is that the life we lead is so ordinary that sometimes, when the extraordinary happens to you, you just can't recognise it. for example, tangy-flavoured maltesers ™, that appear when some random pack lands on your desk, and the friend who gave them to you gets perfectly normal tasting malteser-flavoured maltesers, that sort of thing. i guess it's that sort of thing that needs to be highlighted everyday, and not just to live life from big event to big event, but more like from moment to moment, that might be the solution to this conundrum.