금요일, 4월 30, 2004
instead of revising last night, the three of us ended up talking about all the random things that revolved around our lives. quite frankly, it was a welcome break from all those facts, statutes and whatnot that we're being forced to study right now. nice, i hear you say. well, i was more than happy to let go of rule 54.1 for a second and talk with a few of my really good friends.

watched kill bill 2 yesterday. it was pretty good, if a bit cheesy, but i suppose that was the humour in it all. i don't suppose anyone but quentin tarantino could come up with a name like five-point exploding heart technique, and make it all sound good, so kudos to him for that.

i feel jaded. right now what i felt for so strongly last term has seemingly disappeared, and that's just a feeling that i can't really come to grips with. yesterday faz, renu and i were talking about what was bothering us, and we realised that we all had the same problems. quite frankly, why is it that some people who are totally not as nice as us get attached? and stuff like that. come to think of it, search me as well. i have no idea, and can't seem to fathom why such things happen to us nice girls. forgive the rant, but having someone right now would be very nice. right now i'm in limbo, so i guess it's only a matter of time before something else happens, but the thing is that i don't know how i'll cope, which is the part that really scares me.

as far as i know, i'm the sort of person who either attracts the wrong people or manages to happily undo things by getting scared. i wish fairy tales were true though, because then things would be so much easier. wonder how so many people get along with their own fairy tale lives and actually make a success of it, while somehow whenever the limelight shines remotely in my direction, i act like a deer in the headlights and run off. it's annoying, and probably that childish bit of me that refuses to die, i suppose. we're all at the right stage now: so why isn't the right person here?

and hence sometimes i wonder... is there really someone out there for everyone? right now, although the situation seems as bleak as the weather outside, i can't help but hope deep down in my heart that someone will present himself, and soon. it's transcended something i believe in and morphed into something that i want to believe in now. to be frank, there's nothing more frightening than looking into the future and seeing yourself in a rocking chair, alone, surrounded by cats. and no, it's not very amusing. it's a funny old thing, life, and we're just caught in the game, until we reach the ending point. what we make of it is another thing altogether.

so, for now, i guess we're gonna have to stick it out on our own for the time being. to my fellow independent women (kiv), renu and faz, here's to friendship, but hey, you never know when the first day to the rest of your life might be lurking around the corner.