일요일, 5월 09, 2004
what are friends? who are your friends? why does the hurt manage to seep its way through your skin and make you feel low again when you see the person online.

i haven't forgotten, to be frank, despite the fact that i constantly try to push it to the back of my head. i wonder whether the other person feels the same. when i read the friendster testimonials and all that, i just wonder why i thought i could spare the time for that person, if i don't mean anything at all. i thought i was above it all, but apparently not. especially when the awkward silences that are so hard to fill come and devour the space that is left in between, eventually widening the gorge that is slowly developing.

the utter ludicrosity of it all.

i used to laugh with this person, cry with them as well. right now, i don't even think that i know them. my conscience doesn't prick me for anything save for the fact that things should have been smoother and resolved sooner, but what i don't see is why always always always the fault has to lie with me. i didn't tell you, i didn't do this, i didn't do that. there used to be a lot more spunk in me couple of years ago when things like that happened. to be frank, right now i just don't have the fight left in me anymore.

there's a lack of exclamation in my writing, and i can pretty much understand why. there's nothing more tiring than having to deal with loose strings like these when life chucks you a blow time after time. when you hit a plank in the same spot repeatedly, it's only a matter of time before it breaks. sure, there'll be bloody knuckles and grimaces of pain, but the wood will break down after some time.

i would love to think that there is more to life than this. i don't need to have things made out to seem that i'm in the wrong time after time. there comes a time when things just don't manifest themselves coherently anymore. i hated lying to my friends, who got the perky messages and the funny jokes, while i sat there, trying to dodge the subject. pushing blame is not one of my favourite activities, and right now no one, least of all me, needs this. mainly because i have exam papers to face and lots of work to study.

all i wonder is whether all the time i've spent is worth it or not, because it sure doesn't feel like it.