수요일, 6월 16, 2004
5 days till my family arrives. ladidadida.

i meant to be excited but at the same time at i can't help but worry -- what if they don't like my friends? what if they frown upon me going for the last back to school party the wednesday after they arrive? it kinda gives me the heebie-jeebies right now to think that all the hours of hedonistic fun that i've put in over the past year and shoved carelessly under the bed might now be uncovered by my well-meaning but all-seeing parents.

suppose that's the best thing about staying away from home. there are no curfews, you can watch anything you want on the telly, hang out with anyone you want (to a certain degree of course), and basically live life to the full while physically being in uni. of course there are bouts of desert spells where there seems to be nothing to do -- mainly because all the uninteresting events are on and people go home for the weekend and all that, but hey, that's over all too soon and your days of mooching around your bedroom are over, only to be spent outside playing ultimate frisbee or watching one of your best guy mates conquer evil on the playstation 2 and die in about 50 creative ways. so, what's not to like eh?

today we're going to see our house! for some strange reason they've decided to go see the house today, so along i tag, in the hope that we'll be able to move our stuff in before the end of term. fingers crossed then.

knight actually said upon hearing which field of engineering my dad specialises in that he would memorise a whole paragraph on said subject and regurgitate it out -- all in a bid to make a good impression. i think it's the fact that we have nowt much else to do except hang out with each other which is bringing out the insanity in each one of us. seriously, we even missed the improv show yesterday because we were too busy watching his playstation character die time and time again, not deliberately, mind. but it was fun all the same.

yesterday i asked a funny question. i didn't really mean to say it that way, but i asked faz how she saw herself in 10 years' time. all well and good really, because it's quite clear for her where she's headed, which is sound ground whether she's turning into her worst nightmare or not. one thing that really worried me was the fact that i couldn't really see myself doing anything in 10 years' time. indeed, houston we have a problem. i'm not a corporate person, neither am i a person to go around helping people put their families back together, much as i would like to render my help, simply because i don't think i could do either. as much as i would like to say that i love computers and protection of intellectual property and all that computer geek and medicine geek stuff, i can't help but wonder where all that is going to lead me. sure, having an interest is a stepping stone, but having a knack for the subject is even better. the way i look at it, going into an experimental field is either going to make me a millionaire or really impoverished, depending on how you look at it. it's quite frustrating not knowing where you're headed. in jc things i always had a strong sense of direction as to where i was headed, but i seem to have lost that sense of direction now. i mean, i know what i want, but don't know whether i have the smarts to get it, and what's more, succeed at it. i don't want to say that i've made the wrong choice because i know, somewhere deep down that i haven't. i genuinely enjoy doing what i'm doing, yet there's always a niggle somewhere that i can't quite put my finger on, always as if i'm wondering -- is there something else out there?

i've forgotten the meaning of ambition. quite frankly, that's a secondary point in my path of life. right now all i know is passion, which i'm not sure whether or not is a good thing, seeing that it's a dog eat dog world out there, but like it or not, i would really want to grow up and start doing something that i really want to do; not because anybody wants me to, or because it's expected of me, but because i take an interest in what i'm doing and because the matters i undertake mean something to me. too many times in my academic life have i studied things that quite frankly, i didn't care peanuts for, and i guess that's something that i've learned to avoid. there's no use taking something if it isn't possible to pour your whole heart and soul into it, and if that's the way my heart is leading me, then i guess, so be it.

i will follow.