화요일, 6월 15, 2004
last night i found out that it has been waiting for me all this while, right at my doorstep. i never really saw it though, until yesterday of course, when suddenly it hit me, that after all those weeks of prodding, cajoling and reassuring from friends -- things were exactly as i imagined.

no, better.

when you think about someone even when they're not around, does that mean something? it took a talk with koby to finally put things in focus for me. all this time i've been hearing girl opinions, but yesterday night i managed to get a guy's viewpoint, and suddenly everything became clear. even after all that's happened, he still hadn't changed a bit. (not koby, him.) the friendly banter was still there, as was that goofy grin he always has... not a shred of difference between us, save for the fact that we've gotten closer over the time we've been apart.

that's what i like about him; he makes every move seem as natural as the morning sun, and the things he talks about almost seems as if he wants to draw parallels between us. over time i've begun to love the way he smiles, and the way he holds my hand or ruffles my hair.

forgive my simple language. petrarchan imagery just doesn't do it for me.

it's almost like i've found a strange corridor along my path of life that i've only just started to understand. it took a long time for me to start trusting him, and somehow he's been persistent all this while. forgive me, once again, as i smile to myself while typing this post. this is everything that i had hoped it would be.

as for throwing caution to the wind, i don't really know about that yet, but at the moment things are going well -- better than i had ever thought possible, and better than i had ever thought something like that would be when the time came for me to experience it properly.

only time will tell.

i suppose that's what people tend to do these days. rush into relationships without considering the pros and cons. to be frank, that's the way so many friends have related their earlier years to me. sometimes it just isn't worth it if there isn't much thought put into what two people have together. not that i'm one to talk much, but still, that's the notion that i grew up with, and that's the notion that will stay. while my head is still clear, it's the best conclusion i can come to.

a boy of fifteen whom i know pretty well was talking to me about just that some days in the past. i love this boy with all my heart, for the simple fact that he's my brother. my opinion has changed somewhat since that time i last spoke to him, if only to accomodate a gentler side to the whole issue. however, it hasn't changed that much. he, for one, has had more encounters in his considerably younger life than i have, and sometimes i feel like he's rushing ahead of me, but i know deep down that one day he will grow up, one day he will flirt shamelessly like people do when they fancy each other, one day he'll understand what i'm feeling now. all i can say is that i hope that when the time comes, he won't tarry and let his chance slip away, or let his heart rule his head; rather, let things run their true course, and everything will come to light in time.

i believe in a thing called love, a modern day poet warbles, and how true that is indeed. even if this doesn't work out, although i hope it will, i'll still go on believing. that's not in love itself, but the thought that someone is out there, waiting.