월요일, 8월 30, 2004
alas, these days seem to blend, one into the other, the sunlight that illuminates each day filling the joins with shining golden sluggishness. i often wonder, as i stare out onto the stacked rooftops that lie, domino-like on the skyline, what goes behind the curtains that are drawn to keep out the golden light, and the wind that blows gently through the curling leaves, as yet still left on their branches.

squinting makes the heart see better, reducing the glare and focusing the eye, yet - i am not always able to see what i want to see.

the heady heat makes me want to procrastinate. at the same time i dream of blues, greens, a myriad other colours, save for that golden yellow that permeates almost every minute of my existence. if not that, then the grey, choking ash-laden smoke curls in the night air, proof of the leaping tongues of flame that brought them forth, forming a noose around the neck, and it is like sandpaper to the eyes and clings to the skin, ever-present and untouchable.

the tainted air seems to laugh as i squint, whether day or night, at me, my overgrown me-complex that holds on to each and every moment i hold dear, and shows me what a little person i really am. for this, i hold in the comments that rise to my throat when the tear-inducing smoke reaches my nostrils time and time again, and i only watch quietly as the paper slowly burns itself up, destroying itself, and say a silent prayer, although whether for me or them, i really don't know.

for this, i reach into the refrigerator for some ice and draw my own curtains to escape the sun, and maybe so that people who watch the rooftops as i do may only wonder at what goes on behind the blinds. i watch silently as my skin burns, slowly but surely, and tut-tut as the fan makes its rounds lazily, merely stirring the air that hangs heavy above us all. this is paradise, they say, this is the tropics. no doubt they are right, but at the same time--

i wonder.