수요일, 1월 26, 2005
i wonder how come sometimes perfectly lucid thoughts conceived in the minds of perfectly coherent people are thus inaccurately expressed.

i walked through the drizzle today, ruminating on the brilliantly phrased one-liners that, if uttered, would probably have done something good like achieving world peace, or, on a smaller, more contained scale, would have made it easier for people to understand one another. alas though, some of these unfortunate strings of sentences merely pass through the mind and are quickly and blatantly forgotten. thus the world is at a disadvantage, not having had the privilege of becoming aware of the Lost Idea.

one of my birthday resolutions was to become more sensitive to the fact that communication is the key, and i must say that i have made little or no efforts towards achieving that. somewhere inside me, i am still cowardly, timid and afraid of facing up to what i should hear in response from others, should i utter anything, of coherent use or otherwise, that is a product of my mental processes.

the short week that i've been back at uni has been an eventful one: old friendships have been re-kindled, alliances have been brought into question (survivor style), and i realise that this life we live in is essentially one long reality show. i mean, duh, but that is not The Point i'm trying to get across here. the week has been fraught with miscommunication and everything else in between. seemingly unrelated scenes pass before me in my mind's eye, begging me to make the connection through their hazy vagueness. i cannot comprehend.

it's a bit like the mist sprays at planet. they make your eyes water, they cloud your head and basically make it that much more difficult for you to see the big picture. it doesn't help that i hem and haw when i mean to say something, and trip over my words, even over the phone. even my fingers don't listen to me when i take to the keyboard and try to put my thoughts into words. sometimes i question whether we all are bobbing up and down in the line markers of our lives, and i suppose most of the time we are, which is only fair, i guess. the more i keep quiet and refuse to express what i really feel inside, the further away i bob from people, widening the gulf between us. sometimes that distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder, but at the same time i wonder whether one day the line marker representation of me will bob out of some people's lives forever.

the thought of it distresses, yet i cannot find the words to say it. almost as if the fervour has been sucked out of life as i know it to the point that it becomes mere existence. sometimes it is as if i only drift from day to day, living not even for myself. it feels like sometimes the need to be invisible is required. at some point today, as the rain fell like a thinly veiled mist before my eyes, i wanted to go someplace where no one would find me. where i need not use my vocal faculties. i didn't want to communicate, merely because i am afraid of what people will have to say to me.

i find it difficult to say things, and when i do say something, it inadvertently comes out wrong. all manner of comprehension and explanation break down, and the two concepts are separated, freeze-dried and buried under the earth's crust on opposite poles.

sometimes i think: why bother?

but then again, i must bother. the cold of the rain today brought to light yet another truth. it takes two to tango, and sometimes, maybe sometimes, i may not always be the one single-handedly at fault. my curt reply may be in response to your blase comment, same as my smile is in response to your sweet gesture. i think too much and read too much into things, making issues when there aren't, in fact, any at all. i miss blindingly obvious social clues, to both my benefit and detriment, yet am annoyingly lucid and critical in my observation of others.

not forgetting, of course, the fact that some people mistake my silence as being stern resolution (scary) as opposed to the fact that in all actuality, it is more a life-threatening case of 'cat gotten tongue' (not so scary), thence leading to yet more miscommunication -- which simplifies matters greatly.

hate to end conclusion-less, but that's the way it has to be. all i can do is sit tight and hope that one day i will. speak. up. no hang on, i mean, one day i will. speak. properly. that's more like it.