don't stop the music

화요일, 8월 02, 2005

haven't had the time to blog in some time now. there seems to be something oppressive in the air that suffocates everyone around, and some days i feel so dreary and blah, as if there isn't anything to be happy about.

some days i float along, lost in a confusion of my senses, as i see people, and sometimes even see through them. sometimes it warms my heart, most times, of late, it makes my stomach turn. old idealistic values i once held dear have already succumbed to rot and decay over the years, but this visit has forced me to consign them to the dustbins of my mind, because they don't exist any more.

it forces me to revise and narrow the boundaries of terms i once thought i understood, tightening them to include less and less people, until one day they will only define those i hold nearest. the bitternes of so many years comes back time and again like a dinner unwillingly swallowed, until the whole thing bursts forth like the half-masticated swill that it is.

that you are.

that poison will destroy you one day. your jealousy will isolate you. your arrogance will humble you. your indifference will kill you.

people can be so selfish in this world, caring not for the people whom they should. it pains me to see that outsiders can see the attrition that goes on behind the well-polished facades of jollity, yet those involved tear and sink their fangs into everything, to stem any sign of success other than their own.

well i'm not going to pretend that i like you, and no amount of cajoling will make me believe that you care in the slightest about anyone at all, except yourself and anyone else you deign to be able to give you whatever you most desire. you aren't a pretty person, both inside and out, a deduction i've come to over time, and maybe there might be room for change - but i'm not going to count on that.

you have hurt the ones i love, you have ground their spirits into dust in order to profit your own ego, you sin, yet you do not repent. you disgust me, in that you live in your own world in a drugged stupor, conjuring images of grandeur, not realising the squalor that pollutes it, emanating from the filth from your own spirit. you will never be truly clean, and you taint those who have the misfortune to be around you.

i pray for your salvation, to the most i can find in my heart. i pray that you will repent and realise the people whom you have wronged, i pray that one day you will understand why i will never find it in my heart to love you, but most of all, i pray you will veer from that path that leads to damnation, only because you remain one of God's children too.