월요일, 6월 18, 2007
May 23, 2006:

'in other news, there's been an outbreak of exam fever (finally) among us. i for one, am left with a mere 3 days till the last exam of my degree, and to be honest with everyone, i don't really know how it will go. all i can do is hope that the ups and downs of the exam period will somehow smooth itself out into one nice grade for me. it's a long shot, but it's worth a try. all i know is that there'll be a lot of finger-crossing in the weeks that follow.'
A little more than one year ago, today, I was in pretty much the same situation that I am in right now. It's been a year of ups and downs, all ready to culminate into this - the final three exams I will take in my life (probably). This begs two questions: whether by doing this I have proved that I am truly not yet ready for this world, and, if the word allows, whether I have found myself, so to speak, just yet.

The reason why I ask myself these questions over and over again is because, after staying away from actively posting in the blogosphere for close to half a year now, it feels weird baring all to a silent, but very receptive audience again. For those who don't see me on a regular basis, the past six months have been liberating, yet inhibiting; forbidding, yet inviting. So looking back now, as I near the end of the road, I look back on the past that I have left behind and find, that deep down, I have not changed very much at all.

After sitting my second exam this morning, I found that I really couldn't gauge how well (or nay, how badly) I had done, thanks to the wonderful elusiveness of the DF paper. I found that I was stuck in the same rut for the first exam, and am wondering exactly what curve balls this last paper on Wednesday will throw me. I remember a time just like this, when I sat in the University gym surrounded by bowed heads doing the best they could.

I couldn't write a thing.

I just sat there, trying not to cry. Rubbing my hands together and trying to come up with a suitable solution to extricate myself. I almost felt like giving up, almost losing my resolve altogether when people got up and left the exam 20 minutes in, but I stuck it in and wrote what I knew, despite having the sinking feeling that I had done something horribly wrong.

That was my final year Trusts paper. To this day I still cannot understand how I managed to get a relatively decent mark for that despite emerging from that paper desperately fighting back tears. I am unable to remember that time now in much detail - all I know is that I have emerged from these past two papers this week, not fighting back tears, but with an inexplicable nagging feeling of doubt that has kept me from being at ease. Thinking back now, i can remember a good few things that I missed out/did wrong/didn't do/should have done, and it kills me to think of it that way.

Then again, I stop, and a gentle voice enters my mind. What bearing does this have in the big scheme of things? In the big scheme of things, it really means quite little. In the big scheme of things, I am happy. I am comfortable, both in living and with myself. I have the love of everyone around who I love. I have found my true soul mate, who loves me no matter what. I am fulfilled, and content, and blessed. That is the big scheme of things. In the short term, yes, I do my best, and that is exactly what I have done. There is nothing more. All that is left now is prayer and faith.

I have missed writing this blog. It is cathartic, and it helps me find relief. As my fingers type on this keyboard in front of me, I realise that I have missed so much, so much of my life that could have been documented in one of the best ways I know how to express myself - through words. These days I find myself desperately trying to find the words to say the things that I want to say, but failing when the dull flesh of my tongue finds it impossible to form the sounds that I want to convey.

Maybe I will continue. After all, there are many stories left to tell.